okay, nobody's here...

I think it's safe to say I'm talking to myself here.


Nobody visits this blog.


I want to get as thin as I can.   I'm angry at my wife right now for not talking to me, because I don't quite understand what I did wrong, and she's refusing to talk to me, which means I don't get a chance to understand, much less apologize.


So fuck her then.  F*ck people and their concern, also.


She's not talking, I'm not eating.   I look at my body, and I'm supposedly now into what's considered "of normal weight." Give or take the occasional weight bobble.  My body is still ugly as f*ck.  Podgy and loathesome.


Yes, I lost over 100 pounds in the last 13 months, big f*cking whoop.  I'm still fat-it's not like it's particularly avoidable to see.  it hangs like sacks of nastiness on me.


I have been screwing up left and right-I know, I know.  I decided to try to fix the car on my own, then let my health break down through lack of maintenance and ended up foisting it on my wife and driving her truck for three weeks, leaving her no way to look for a job.


But she won't talk to me.  And if she doesn't care enough to talk to me, I am going to do what I want with my body.


What I want is thinness.  It's what I've always wanted, ever since I started blowing up and getting made fun of-I just want to be thin.
And the thinner I get, the closer I feel to looking...not male, not female, and most importantly, not grotesque.  Graceful. Slender, like a blade weapon.


No longer vulnerable and soft.  Hard and muscled is okay, yes, but the fat has to go.


Tomorrow, the car goes into the shop, and gets the water pump, and all the belts replaced.  It's going to break my bank account.


This car is an utter, hopeless nightmare to work on.  You have to jack up the engine to lift it clear of one of the motor mounts to get the timing belt off.  There are no curse words sufficient in the English language to properly condemn this level of engineering stupidity.