Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Love and threat


I am somehow now able to feel loved.

I know that doesn't seem like much?  But I never felt safe, secure or worthy of love.

I am loved by my wife, I am loved by my Squirrel.

I also find I like myself today.

I'm not perfect, not by a long shot.

But I'm not a bad person.

It's so peaceful not hating myself for once.


Squirrel did not tell me this before...I did not know he was being kept in the psych unit that held the very worst cases in his area.  It came up because there was yet another completed suicide on his unit.  Some poor fellow hung himself, and succeeded in doing severe brain damage before they found him dangling.

So the heart attack that did for him was probably a blessing after all.

Squirrel is getting somewhat less self-destructive, but he's self-injuring a lot.  At least at this point he has towels, tape and supplies.  Which is actually a happy thought; before the slicing was dry runs for offing himself, now he is prepared to put himself back together.

My feelings for him are very complicated, and very deep.

I'm glad my wife isn't jealous, if she was I'd be in one hell of a bind-abandon him when he needs me, or abandon her, which would break my heart.

She is so dear to me that she feels dangerous.  What I learned was "Those that love you hurt you, and everyone's a threat."

The fact that Squirrel is so dear to me too-well, that's dangerous...not because I'm going to leave her for him though.

It's dangerous for me because there's a good chance he'll die, either from suicide or his poor, beat-up old heart will give out and that will be that.  Damn, that will shatter me, no joke.

I grieve hard.