Monday, September 24, 2012

Pretzels, a crosspost

I asked for a divorce.
I have a clear-cut indication I can't be happy. The emotional stuff might be fixed with a TON of work...the profound sexual mismatch, no, not in a million years of trying.

We're both hurting each other, bending ourselves into pretzels trying to make this work. I hurt, I hurt tons...
A friend of mine said..."You just need to be loved." I do. With her I have to do things *just right* to get crumbs of affection, crumbs of sex, I almost always feel lonely, I almost always feel not good enough.
I could not take it any more.

Last year I went through a serious amount of childhood abuse trauma coming back to I'm used to my brain turning into a potato. I'm in the spud-zone again...
...Funny I keep coming up with such starchy metaphors.

I'm just going to take it easy this week and procrastinate my butt off, no apologies for this, I can barely handle work and house stuff and whatnot...well, I might get my motorbike to the shop this week (the poor thing!)

I'm just gonna make art and breathe and swap bedrooms...
Oh...I should mention divorce is gonna be really legally fun, and costly-not in ways I can talk about.

Also, she's broke right I'm not making her get out. I don't hate her. I feel guilty enough about abandoning her. We've been living in my mom's old trailer-house, I am fine with sharing the rent-free goodness and continuing to split the bills. I'm going to buy her an air-conditioner for her bedroom, then we're good to go.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Jewish Christmas

My wife was horribly depressed this weekend, so was I...She has managed to hurt me so much, and I spent an hour or so crying in her arms.
I was thinking about how much I would miss our Christmas tradition...Go to a Chinese place...and all the memories we've made together, good and bad.  There's been heartbreak, but there's been a lot of goodness too. 
I am so sad...I wonder if this is because I'm detaching...
She feels...stunned.  I have told her this stuff over and over and over.  She just failed to compute until much she was hurting me.
She said "Everything I thought I knew is wrong."
She feels so guilty.  I feel guilty for not stopping this sooner.
I'm not sure we can repair this.  We are going to try.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

This is so hard

Okay...sorry I have not been updating...

It seems I have been staying with my wife, in part, because I was stuffing the feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness that her behavior has given me. She's almost certainly Asperger' all of this was out of epic cluelessness on her part.
Also failure on my part to communicate powerfully enough for her to receive the message.

The rage broke like a tsunami.

I was so outraged and upset to finally realize that her negativity towards what I did has been eating away my self-esteem. I had told her to stop it, over and over and over. She'd never been able to hear that she was HURTING me.

Too, she was shouting at me for talking to her when she wasn't matter that I would sit there in physical pain...a deep ache in my chest of loneliness... She didn't understand that by simply doing her morning routine while I sat there and waited, and waited and waited for her to talk to me, quietly, so I would not make her shout at me...was making me feel so unwanted, like a gods-damn nuisance, like my needs were just too much. And the sex is...never enough, never often enough. The talking and cuddling is never enough.

I pointed out a while back that she hugged the cat more than me...She started hugging me more...a little. Right now I feel like...I want out.
That makes me feel so shitty, because she really loves me, I love her. And she's trying to get better.

I feel so sad and lost.