Sunday, September 9, 2012

This is so hard

Okay...sorry I have not been updating...

It seems I have been staying with my wife, in part, because I was stuffing the feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness that her behavior has given me. She's almost certainly Asperger' all of this was out of epic cluelessness on her part.
Also failure on my part to communicate powerfully enough for her to receive the message.

The rage broke like a tsunami.

I was so outraged and upset to finally realize that her negativity towards what I did has been eating away my self-esteem. I had told her to stop it, over and over and over. She'd never been able to hear that she was HURTING me.

Too, she was shouting at me for talking to her when she wasn't matter that I would sit there in physical pain...a deep ache in my chest of loneliness... She didn't understand that by simply doing her morning routine while I sat there and waited, and waited and waited for her to talk to me, quietly, so I would not make her shout at me...was making me feel so unwanted, like a gods-damn nuisance, like my needs were just too much. And the sex is...never enough, never often enough. The talking and cuddling is never enough.

I pointed out a while back that she hugged the cat more than me...She started hugging me more...a little. Right now I feel like...I want out.
That makes me feel so shitty, because she really loves me, I love her. And she's trying to get better.

I feel so sad and lost.

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