Saturday, March 12, 2011

I have screwed up

I thought the motorcycle class was a two-day class.  No, the class is three days-I've prepaid, non-refundable, so I have to take a day off of work to go two weeks from now.

Add to that that I forgot to get my sertraline filled. One of three meds.

I feel like I don't deserve to feel good right now.  I'm trying to hold my feelings at arm's length and observe them impartially, to say to myself "I am feeling feelings of worthlessness and stupidity right now."
This is at least making me not break out a razorblade and get slicy.

I nevertheless really want to break out a razorblade...cutting would be very relieving...the cuts, the stinging, the burn of the alcohol...all very nice.

I'll settle for eating no more and going to bed. Or at least try, though I'm really hungry

Oh, and a word on that...I just want to get thinner.   People keep telling me "You're thin enough now."  I still feel pudgy.  My stomach isn't flat, my thighs are still wobbly, I still look pudgy as far as I'm concerned.

I'm just too close to being fat again to be happy.  I want to be far away from fat, and 150 is too close to 163, and I STILL LOOK FAT.

I see a face that's too rounded, a body that's not graceful and angular, but big and rounded...yuck.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

the red queen and spring planting, plus being fat

I'm back to feeling like I have to work as hard and fast as I can and it's not good enough...I hate that.

I have to surround my baby trees with something protective ASAP.
I didn't like the result the first time I used chicken-wire for this...but if I use a smaller tube of it...

When next I get paid, I'm getting a 100 foot roll of 5-foot fencing wire for Tornado's run.
Need to plan a time to fix the roof, too.

Five planting beds made, three prepped. I want to make a low bed in front of the front fence (mucho cutting and nailing involved), and also plant a triple row of corn and a long row of amaranth. Also sunzilla sunflowers along the side of the house that gets full sun-a living sunshade. Runoff from the A/C means an automatic irrigation in that area...
The elderberries are going in along there too. Maybe wild raspberries along the fenceline-again with the cardboard no-till method.

Gotta get the Macartney rose babies in dirt-they are looking droopy. May throw them in humus tonight when I get home & water the fuck out of them.

The idea I had with the corn, amaranth, and sunflowers-the ones going directly into the yard- is to put (unused, unbleached) coffee filters in the sprouting cups, then put the sprouted seeds in the ground in the coffee filters.  This is mainly for ease of removing the seeds, so the dirt around the baby roots doesn't fall off.

With them I also plan to do what I'll call "cardboard no-till"...wherein I put cardboard down, cut holes in the cardboard and dig a little hole beneath that with a hand trowel (gotta buy the hand trowel), put the pots in and use mulch to completely cover the cardboard, then water the whole shebang.
I doubt I'm the first lazy person who's thought of this.  It just seems like too easy a way to prevent the grass from strangling my babies.

I am tired as fuck.

Maybe I should just make with the big-ass planting buckets so I'm not in such a rush to get all the beds built. Try to dive some more, and, failing that, buy the 55 gallon drums at the place where they are cheap... and cut those in half.
The really big-ass planting buckets can get ringed with the garden fence inside, to support the vines.

Not as aesthetic as a wooden planting bed...but it has the benefit of not requiring being bloody built!

Making less work for myself is a Good Thing right now. A really Good Thing

Part of the stress I'm feeling may be due to the following issue:

My doc cut my Buspar dosage when I thought we were going to leave my dosages the hell alone-and I think that was merely a clerical error on his part.

Merely a clerical error? maybe not?
I have to call him because I dropped the dose to comply, so I wouldn't run out...and now I'm tense as fuck.

I'm gaining weight, too.  I am a disgustingly fat slob.

Since I seem to be bound and determined to have one "mad day" a week, I have to start hardcore payment for said mad day. 
The "mad day" being my up day of the weekend.

Every other day...I am going to start alternating 300-1700 calories, or at least trying really hard to hit those targets. So 1000 total calories six days a week, one big eat day to keep me from going into starvation mode...but even then I need to set a cap, maybe 2500 calories?

This weekend I ate 3K calories on my up day, maybe more. Jeebus.
No wonder I put on six pounds over the last two weeks, I've been eating like a fucking piglet.  Oink oink.
I need to weigh 140, NOT 150, NOT ONE FUCKING FIFTY-EIGHT-which is what I climbed on the scales at yesterday.

At 143 I looked in the mirror and I almost liked what I saw.
I looked...shapely, angular.  My stomach was curved, yes, but not bloated the way it is now.  My face was chiseled-looking, and I really liked it.

 I thought I was finally almost thin enough.
Then I promptly ate myself up to my current blimpiness...which just goes to show I need to be thinner, so I don't get like this again.

NEVER AGAIN, as the Jews say...

I look solid. Like, meaty, fleshy, flabby, nasty.

I look disgusting.

No more fucking peanut butter.  No jelly. Only sugar-free chocolate.  No more of those damn builder bars.  No Oreos-those are chocolate crack.

The new food rules are:

 No white flour, no refined sugar, no nuts. No compromises.

I have
to be just as rigid about this as I am about being vegan.

And the Teahaddis declared war on me first, too...

I would like to advance the idea that the hard right wing can no longer be dealt with rationally.

They are not here to coexist peacefully with us.  They've declared war.

Case in point:
 The following is excerpted from an article on The Hill, Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.) speaking:

Tea Party activists pushed members to stand firm on spending cuts and the debt limit.  "They don't want us to get pushed around, which is exactly what I believe in," he said. "You've got to stand firm or you're going to lose credibility."
What do Dems perennially do? compromise.  Compromise can make you look good to someone who holds an ideal of compromise. 

When we lefties compromise with the hard right, we're projecting our own belief system on people who don't share it- to wit, that we are reasonable, and that reasonable people compromise, work together, build relationships, get along...

Well, we place a value-a high one, on being reasonable.  We're dealing with people who grew up in right-wing millenialist circles, and they believe in purity, not reason. They are not here to get along with people who of differing faiths, who behave differently, who look or think differently.  They are not here to be fair, equitable, even-handed, to embrace the Democratic spirit, to be tolerant of diverse points of view and accept that things cannot be all their way (since they aren't a majority)...

They are here to purge.

These people think that compromise indicates weakness.
They do not want to work with us.
They do not want to live with us


They want to see our points of view quashed, our personal freedoms (like same-sex intercourse and relationships) hidden again and most likely made a felony offense again.

They want their view of the country to prevail, no matter who they have to stomp on, shut up or threaten to do that. Religious minorities had better shut up.  People who aren't drinking the free-market lassiez-faire Kool-aid, they better shut up too.  People who want affordable health care, a social-safety net, affordable housing? Pollution control? limits on business monopolies?

They want us to all just shut up and become invisible. Or they would like to make us dead, in some cases.

They are on a holy war to purge the infidels, not a campaign for reasonable government.

As a queer, a third-gender person, a spouse of a trans woman, and a politically vocal person...this could get ugly.