Saturday, March 12, 2011

I have screwed up

I thought the motorcycle class was a two-day class.  No, the class is three days-I've prepaid, non-refundable, so I have to take a day off of work to go two weeks from now.

Add to that that I forgot to get my sertraline filled. One of three meds.

I feel like I don't deserve to feel good right now.  I'm trying to hold my feelings at arm's length and observe them impartially, to say to myself "I am feeling feelings of worthlessness and stupidity right now."
This is at least making me not break out a razorblade and get slicy.

I nevertheless really want to break out a razorblade...cutting would be very relieving...the cuts, the stinging, the burn of the alcohol...all very nice.

I'll settle for eating no more and going to bed. Or at least try, though I'm really hungry

Oh, and a word on that...I just want to get thinner.   People keep telling me "You're thin enough now."  I still feel pudgy.  My stomach isn't flat, my thighs are still wobbly, I still look pudgy as far as I'm concerned.

I'm just too close to being fat again to be happy.  I want to be far away from fat, and 150 is too close to 163, and I STILL LOOK FAT.

I see a face that's too rounded, a body that's not graceful and angular, but big and rounded...yuck.

No comments: