Sunday, October 24, 2010


I'll keep it simple here. even if it's so complicated I don't feel like I can stand it.

I've got these feelings of androgyny. I think this is adding to my sense of isolation, which was/is, um, at a level that affects my mental health...Probably part of the reason it takes three drugs to manage my depression instead of just one like it used to, although I may just be getting older and harder to treat. I'm lonely almost all the time now.
( I see so little of my wife, and when I do, she's teaching herself how to program again...)

I'd like to start talking to people about it, but I'm also thinking it may be premature to do so. To put it mildly, part of me very much thinks this might be some weird phase, and another part of me, well, would prefer I never realized this. But then there's a part that's sort of saying-yes, it all makes sense now...
I'd tell my old, all two or three of the ones that are still talking to me.(How did I lose them all? where did they go? I was too busy being physically ill...)

I'm feeling horribly alone-because I am really alone a lot these days... and frightened about this, and wishing it would just go away and stop bothering me.

The thing is, of course, with Androgynes, gender dysphoria is less intense, but it never really goes away. Because you don't really do much...and most gender clinics expect you to transition to the OPPOSITE sex, not to some sort of middle-a middle that's not very satisfactory either...
I don't want to go back to being a freak. I find I like to be liked, I like it when people smile at me instead of calling security (!) to follow me through a store. I find I like at least the veneer of acceptance, I like not getting sneered at by people who don't even know me. I don't want random redneck assholes coming up again and saying "Are you a man or a woman? HARHAR."

I find I can't be myself and be accepted, only this time, it runs deeper than being a dyke in the 90's...I'm not just a dyke, I'm of a blended gender, third gender, whatever...something the dominant western society doesn't even acknowledge exist.

I mean, intersexed kids they surgically alter right after birth, without consent or even the knowledge of the child, which often proves to be a totally fucked-up thing to do to the child in question...but what if you're intersexed in the head?

I'm...just feeling like nobody's going to accept this out of me, much less understand it. And I hate it. And I'm obsessed with it.
Being a butch girl was okay, but this? this is just...weird. Really weird.
And it feels like one giant challenge too much on top of everything else that's kicking my ass-the money, get a better job, get wife some therapy, get ass to school, finish losing weight., take better care of my insane dog, fix my own car, grow a big vegetable garden, get my sinuses fixed, fix up the trailer house so Mom can sell it...

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