Thursday, October 21, 2010

repost: daddy issues

(This is honest. Which means it's got triggers in it. You've been warned.)

So...since I seem to be androgyne, at first I was all like "wheeee! so that's why I never felt right being a girl!"
And I felt all happy about it.

Now...details are not important about this, I guess, but I found out from an old friend of my Dad's that my Dad had indeed been raped as a child, and didn't know how to deal with it. Big surprise there, considering what he decided was okay to do to me...

(and now for the obligatory trip down memory lane...)
You see, I was having nightmares in part because of being orally raped at age four by a neighbor in the projects where we lived;also, in the same year, having another male neighbor there try to force me into his downstairs first-floor window at gunpoint and not being believed when I told my Mom. Gotta love the projects...
But what really gave me nightmares was when my uncle raped me in the bathroom of the house we had just moved into when I was six. I repressed it, yeah, so it wasn't in my conscious memory. But I was not okay mentally by that point. Damage was accumulating. Besides that, my dad would hit me-not to the point of bruising, but he was physically abusive.
So, when Mom went out and got a night job, I was afraid to sleep alone, because of the extreme nightmares. So I went to sleep with my Dad...and my Dad had sex with me. That became the tradeoff: I had sex with him, I was not forced to be alone with my nightmares. I dissociated the sex part; and a lot of other things as well-I have clear memories before and after, but those two years are almost a black hole-as in I can remember my kindergarten teacher, but I can't remember first, second, or third grade.
My maternal, widowed grandmother moved in when I was eight, and I think had suspicions of what was happening, because she generally wouldn't leave me alone with him. The sex stopped. He still slapped me around a lot though, punched on rare occasions.
(Okay, now back to the present.)

Well, confirmation my Dad had been abused triggered me-I freaked, and have just now calmed down.

I guess figuring out part of me is male, well, does that mean male like him? THAT'S a truly revolting thought.
I've thought of my male side as bright, noble and a little heroic in a scruffy everyman sort of way...honest, truthful, makes amends when he's wrong, not boastful, not arrogant, gentle and protective to those weaker than him, perhaps a little mischevious, but good-hearted...that's what I strive to embody, y'know...and I don't always succeed, but I think I certainly ought to try.
When I read novels, and I find a scruffy male rascal-hero, something in me has always responded very deeply to that...and I'm thinking now it's because I am looking at a funhouse mirror showing my ideal male self.

I am not ever, even if I figure out I am FtM, going to be like him. I will not stand for it!

My father has perhaps been a great negative role model for me-as in what NOT to do to be a good human being. Useful in that, despite his sorry self.
But feeling pity for him was very uncomfortable, because I survived recalling what he did to me, and the emotions involved, on a platform of hatred.
Apparently I still need to put that hatred and disgust onto him. I'm not ready to let go of it yet.

I'd like him to mean nothing to me anymore, one way or the other, and then I would know I was truly over this...although there's a matter of potential shaved off and years lost...and they will never come back. I will always be more physiologically vulnerable to stress because of the age the abuse started and the severity it built to(if you don't believe me, do a few searches on neurological effects of chronic abuse on children). I'd like to work on an ambulance crew, for instance, but I'd start dissociating when stuff was really bad.

Bottom line-I don't want to want or need anything from him. Right now he's still an object of hate, and I still need him to be that. He can be that, even absent(which he is, because if he shows up here, there's a serious chance I would kill him)or dead.
But I want to let go of that need. Forgive? not unless he works as hard at earning it as I have getting my sanity back.

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