Saturday, May 7, 2011

wondrous strange

I keep describing it as "I feel like my personality has been whacked with a hammer." Also, it really is going insane.
I am suddenly knocked loose from who I was, that person who was in a slowly-tightening death spiral...really, that me was getting worse.

I don't feel like I am the same person I was last week.  Moreover, I do not want to be that person any more.

I want to be someone else.
So that is what I am going to do.

Worry is not useful.
Guilt is only useful inasmuch as it keeps me honest, but I take it too far.
My mind needs to be controlled through meditation.
Ritual connects me; I need to engage in it.
Self-hatred is actively destructive; it must go.

But I have been running around profoundly damaged, yet surviving.   I can feel my strength now, and it is could break ships on me.

So, my pain will not kill me, my fears will not kill me...I am a survivor beyond belief...and I can allow myself to love, and feel, and trust, because I am strong enough to take the pain.

And I don't have to feel embarrassed about turning into a one-person Greek funeral on occasion. If I want to have a wail and snot fest, I WILL have a wail and snot fest. If I want to be angry, I'll go be angry for a while away so I don't act like a jerk to people, but I can be angry.

And while I feel very unsettled, I also feel more delighted that I have in years. So much better than the internal battery acid of depression.

I'm going to have to work hard to maintain this clarity.  I need to. Who I am now is a more adapted version.

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