Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Repost: Why I quit my old forum

Better slap the :trigger: warning up here...

I've been alternating between ______ and the other mental health support forum I go to...They are blunt around there.
Usually this has been good.
Sometimes I have to get called on my BS.

But one of the mods there, I think her bipolarity's put her not in a good place...

I was hanging out there in chat there because I was lonely, wanting distraction...and this lady came in and basically accused me of making this all up.

This being the abuse.

(Now with extra :trigger: goodness...)

I mean, I went from relatively stable to going crazy in all directions over the past three years. I am just not doing good.

My marriage is something I want to keep, but having anyone that close to me, emotionally, is a constant trigger. It also brings up emotions that...I felt for my Dad.
I loved my Dad, incredibly much...I remembered what it was like to love like that recently, and it's terrifying and beautiful. I loved him, I trusted him, I felt safe with him. This boundless, overwhelming love and trust...
He decided me coming in to sleep in his bed and having daily nightmares (From the two prior rapes) meant he could have sex with me. When I was 6. This I dissociated, because I NEEDED him, I needed to be safe, and held and comforted.
That was what I needed, and I had to prostitute myself to get it. So I dissociated it all pretty much every night, and went insane during the day.
Thumbnail of the horrorshow in my head. AAAnd I'm getting back more recall.
So anyway, this lady didn't believe that-she actually said "Weren't repressed memories debunked a few years ago?"

And I stayed in there and defended myself...but after, her questions spiralled into me half not-believing myself. That, and thinking that most of the people on the site were thinking something like this:

"Here comes______, that dumb ****. She not only thinks she was sexually abused and wants us to feel sorry for her, she thinks she's an androgyne, calls herself third sex! What a f***ked up freak she is"

At least I don't talk about the SI much. Mainly because I'm not ready to quit.

But I already had one blow-up regarding my med decisions-they're creative...long story.
I was not feeling entirely welcome anyway.

But now I feel like I lost a community.
Because I now don't feel believed.
I've been going there almost daily since '09.I have known this woman for some time, liked her, thought her advice was often kind and good...and she just went off on me like this.

I have no emotional armor-the flashbacks are just blowing it off. Anything anybody says can just sink in and hurt.

And not having this be believed...it just rocks my whole world's axis.


Anonymous said...


I also belonged to the same mental health forum. Your blog is one that I read on a regular basis. I enjoyed reading your thoughtful and insightful responses when others were asking for help.

I just wanted to say that I believe you and hope for the best for you. I watched with great frustration as mods and other members become hostile . We must all follow our own gut instinct when comes to matter of health.

The mentioned forum has lost yet another supportive member because the mods and select few member have become bullies.

Julia Crabtree said...

I think that mod was paranoid. I think I know the forum you are talking about but being that you didn't mention it neither will I.