Saturday, May 28, 2011

repost: inner kids part 2

(On second thought, this whole thing's) probably triggering...)

And I want you-all to keep in mind I'm not saying I have DID...this is just a way of thinking about what is a dissociated but unitary personhood...

So, first off, my inner boy...who's about, eh, somewhere between 13-15, has acquired a name...and he's the source of those...comments.

The ones that just come flying out of my mouth, like the aforementioned reason I told a clerk I wanted sports bras. (No floop-floop-floop)
They just come right out...yeah, thank you mister...
Basically, I have articulated my inner Bugs Bunny.
I can't help but like him though.
He's a nice kid...and the reason why everyone says of me "You act like a big kid!" The boy's really close to the surface, he's the very social aspects of me. Useful. Because I'm weird, but, get people to laugh and they like me, weird and all.

The other inner child's the little girl. The six-year old, that went away when Dad started...

She...has shown me what she is, in part, the other day...LOVE.

Like a nuclear explosion, a white hot fire of love. Boundless love.

I didn't remember what it was like to LOVE like this. It's beautiful, terrifying, and overwhelming all at once. Think feeling in love with someone, then cubing the intensity and throwing it at everything and everyone you come into contact with.

So, that's who my father...hurt so badly that I had to tuck her away...

And I will never let anyone hurt her like that again.So this has been a sneaky way for me to get that compassion I have for other people, and particularly kids( who are INNOCENT!) and turn it on myself. The frontal assault method of self-love did not work. We'll see if this leaves a lasting impression.

I will tell you it hurts a lot to love like this. It's so intense.

But I want to keep that little girl inside me safe, never make her go out around strangers, never let her get hurt again.
She's not armored like me, she's not protected inside and out, it really isn't safe for her to be out alone.
The boy(part), he's sensitive and not grown up, but he's social and helpful...this other inner part of me is too delicate.

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