Saturday, May 7, 2011

dissociation's gift

When my Mom went to work, she left me with my Dad...she worked night-shift.
I had severe nightmares from two dissociated assaults, and was utterly terrified to sleep I slept with him...and he had sex with me.
I was six when this started, eight when my grandmother's presence stopped it.

But this is about the afterwards.

I don't think I repressed this so much as I didn't remember this...but I recall waking up and feeling very safe in my parent's bed, lying next to him. I felt very comforted.

The dissociation gave me this feeling of being safe and loved, waking up next to him, when I was lying next to the biggest monster of my childhood.

I think if I had realized how abandoned I really truly was, I would have gone utterly catatonic.
I would have been a far more shattered person then in the end I turned out to be.

My Mom, much as I love her...she would not have believed what was happening unless she walked in on us having sex. Otherwise it would not have punched through her denial.

So, I was able to have the illusion of safety...and apparently I needed that.
My mind gave it to me...a strange gift it is.

No comments: