Friday, June 22, 2012

Marriage stuff

So...neither of us have been making the other happy...

This weekend I need to come up with concrete things I need from her.
The first specific action...I told her I wanted a phone call from her every day at 830 PM on weekdays.  Just to say hi.  We're both at work at 830 PM, you see...

I know she doesn't like talking on the phone.
I decided I don't care.  That may seem harsh...  but since I stopped denying how incredibly lonely I was in this marriage...The feelings of grief and sadness are just washing over me.

...Let's see.  I want to be sexual...weekly, at least...more if/when it becomes logistically possible.
I want both of us to be happy having sex...which probably means doing it her way every time...this will be emotionally triggery for me, but it's really important getting over it.
I want her to keep going until I beg her to stop, though...I usually feel like I'm being selfish after the fifth orgasm or so and tell her she can stop...I'm gonna just buy her a wrist brace.

...I want hugs at least twice a day every  day...Last night I jokingly pointed out something true...she hugs one of the cats (her old lady cat) twice a day...but I wasn't getting hugged twice a day.

I want her to talk to me every day, even if it's just a phone call.  There have been  weekdays in which I did not speak to her all week, because of the way our work schedules run.  Last year when I was getting repressed memories back of sexual stuff my dad did to me...My best friend talked me out of suicide, told me over and over I wasn't horrible, that I was wanted, that he'd miss me terribly.
Where was she? WHERE WAS SHE???
Why didn't I share with her???
In part because I think I stopped hoping she'd be there for me emotionally, in part because she never shared her feelings with part because she finds long conversations to be really hard work and she gets part because what I did tell her she did not seem to be able to understand.
She doesn't.  She's not an incest survivor.  She's not good with emotions, even.  She cares and wants to help, yeah, but through this period... she did what she wants done when she is upset.
She left me alone.
I am finally feeling the pain of her not working harder to engage.  She just left me alone through what was the worst emotional pain in my life...and it went on for it's not like it came and went...

....On Wednesday...I think I finally conveyed it to her in terms she got:
"Imagine losing a cat every day for a year."

I am feeling...grief and bafflement.
Why did she leave me alone when I was drowning in pain?  WHY???
I don't understand...Maybe I wasn't clear enough.
Maybe it was my fault for not asking loudly enough, I don't know...I don't know.
I was drowning,  I was drowning mostly without her...and I don't understand why.

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