Saturday, June 2, 2012
How I have been doing lately:
Well, sports fans, as you know I've been decanting and processing memories of my dad sexually and physically abusing me. Now it seems him doing that may have created...other people in my head? Some sort of weird dissociative thingy, at any rate.
I have kids in my head. We're talking. They are talking to my therapist-through me-which is the weirdest feeling imaginable, besides the fact that I hallucinate all sorts of shadow shapes while it's happening.
My wife and I are...getting along better. I'm less jumpy again, so not so incredibly triggered by her yelling at the computer, or bellowing like a wounded ox when she drops something.
...Look my, erm, "loving" parents would start yelling and then hit me as punctuation of sorts, ok? a raised voice is a direct trigger.
The sex thing bears mentioning.
She's put on a lot of weight. I don't care. She does care.
Or, well, I do care in the sense that I want her to be happy and healthy, but I still find her attractive.
So, because of that and because of the way I approach sex (not good for her, and yeah we've worked on that), one time when I was trying to get her turned on...she started crying.
I still feel...like some sort of creep at times, and I certainly still feel guilty.
We did try it the way she likes...which is to "share energy," and that has been...um...the first time we tried it I just sort of ended up howling and sobbing in her lap because of the grief and the loneliness of going through all these memories mostly without her.
Better the next time.
I do love her, I really do...and it's not like anyone would handle my level of weird terribly well.
My sinusitis seems to be getting a bit worse, I'm losing energy again.