Saturday, June 2, 2012

Balanced on two wheels
I float down back roads at the
Speed of butterflies.

I went for a bicycle ride this afternoon, and I felt like I had such a luxury of time, since I did not have to go to rather than pushing hard, I just tooled along, eyes wide...and it's so beautiful out here, so beautiful. Tall loblolly pines, everything green and beautiful...

I found something sad and fascinating-a flattened, dessicated coral snake.  People are afraid of them because they don't know that coral snakes have their fangs mounted in the back of their mouths, and those are small. Basically, as long as you don't pick them up, they can't really bite you.You'd only have to mind babies and the severely stupid around a coral snake, they are shy and hide from people anyway.

After that, I saw bones lying on the side of the road, sunbleached. It was a cat that failed to make it across the road, I eventually saw, looked like a half-grown kitten.  The skull was in excellent condition, so I brought it home to paint.  As I was searching for the rest of the remains, I could smell that deep sweet scent of loblollies, and the call of the crows disturbed by my presence.

The third leg of my regular circuit I ride past a number of grass farms.  I  find it not good that all our food here comes from California, and instead we grow giant lawns...but that's how it is.  There's also a cattle farm out there...A ranchlet, I guess you'd call it? It's a lovely property at any rate. There's a deep drainage ditch that runs alongside part of the road, and the white heron that always hangs out there...flew away from me as he always does. 

As I rode I decided to talk to the latest member of my DID "family," Miss Perfect.
Miss Perfect is seven, and she believes if we do everything perfect, mommy will love us.  Except we can't be perfect.  So she's been the one sending me messages like "I'm worthless, I need to die," that will just sort of float out of nowhere.
Well...the thing is, I'm 39...and I won't take orders from a maltreated and very hurt 7-year old. So now that her secret is out, she's lost her power to make me feel awful.  I don't think she's happy about that, not that she's generally been happy about anything.
 At the same time, she's seven. She thinks everything has to be perfect in order to be worth anything due to her mom's bullying and rampant perfectionism.  Mom was taking her frustrations at the suckiness of mom's life out on us, was having VERY unrealistic expectations of how well a small child could do housework.  Shawn, of course, my angry boy, resisted her(as he does everyone).
Miss Perfect is the part of me that desperately wanted mom to love us, not tell us things like "You disgust me, I can't stand to look at you, get out of my sight!"
Yes, my dad sexually abused me, but it seems my mom's share of the abuse was what really made me suicidal.

Wow, that's a sad thought.

So after telling Miss Perfect I loved her and mentally hugged her...I said to her "Isn't it beautiful out here?"
"Yeah." She replied.
"But none of it's perfect."
"No?....No. No it isn't"
"Yeah, hon, all this isn't perfect.  Maybe it's ok to be not-perfect."
"I guess..." giving me an impression of rolling eyes.

Right about then we came up on this one horse to said pasture a mulberry tree grows...and the horses are so appreciative if I feed them the mulberry leaves.  The paint horse always nuzzles me.  I need to take those guys some carrots.

On the fourth leg of my trip I rode through a gas station's parking lot.  These two cars had stopped and a small number of older people were saying how-de-do's and catching up...I could feel the warmth and joy.

Then back home, feeling at peace. After a wonderful shower, I tried to get the kids to meditate with me...which just sort of ended up with me in an internal group hug and telling the kids "I love you, I love you."

Today is a good day.  I feel like I am/we are blossoming.

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