Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Because I suck...

(In case any of you actually thought I was a nice person or easy to live with...I just wrote this to my wife)

You told me you want to understand me.  It's not even clear what you want to understand. SO I will just throw stuff out about what I feel right now.

I've been in and am now in a tremendous amount of pain.  A lot of times I feel overwhelmed, exhausted...and profoundly alone.

At this point I try not to speak to you unless spoken to, because I never know if I'm going to get yelled at or not.  You're the one person I am almost always desperately craving the presence of, but I have to hold my tongue and keep silent until you speak.
When you don't speak to me it's almost as painful, but I know trying to get attention just gets me shouted at.
Yes, you sitting there and ignoring me caused me a great deal of hurt, once. I wanted to hit myself at times because you would not talk to me.   Now I'm accustomed to it.

A better way to communicate to me about saying “you're not stable enough to have a baby,” would have been...”I think you are not o.k. to have one right now, but let's revisit that in 3 months.”
I was sort of getting better because I knew I “had to.”  Because there was a baby on the way.
You said “You're not stable enough to have a baby,” I heard that more like “_______, you're stupid to think you'll EVER be stable enough to have a baby.”
I have been feeling a growing sense of despair that I'd worked on myself so much for nothing.

I'm still intensely triggered and freaking out over the sex the Sunday before last.
I've been hating myself since then, self-injuring since then, and the feelings of wanting to beat myself, of wanting to take skin off won't...bloody...stop.
I have an urge to take steel wool pads and abrade my genitals.
My body is a sewer. 
I'm disgusting, a human toilet.
How could anything anyone does with this carcass be beautiful?
Right now I think I'm disgusting and pathetic, and barely worth the bullet it would take to kill me.
I don't see you as needing me
...What do you need from me?  I never feel you need me.  I can't believe it.

Cutting is soothing, that was one thing I was trying to give up for the kid.  I'm not fighting it now.

 I hate myself for being angry at you, and usually feel I need to self-punish by hitting or cutting after getting you angry. I don't know how to express anger appropriately, so I either say nothing or explode. I often self-injure after I have made you angry, I feel extreme emotional turmoil until I am properly punished for making you angry.  Feeling anger at you is frightening.

I love you and admire you and fear you, you can destroy me.
I feel subservient to you, yet resent it.
You hurt me now by reminding me of how worthless I really am when you say something critical.
I love you but at the same time I'm fighting being terrified of you, because you are too close, and yet not close enough.

I doubt that helped.

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