Tuesday, October 11, 2011

what if

I wanted sex with my dad?
I can't remember most of what we did.  Subconsciously I know I had orgasms with him though. Maybe when he went down on me...I'm pretty sure this happened...
I know he made me turned-on, I only remember hating it. I don't imagine I always hated it, or maybe I came to love it alongside the loathing.

What if I wanted the sex, went after it.
What sort of sick, twisted little fuck was I?
How could that be forgiven?

Edited on 11/9/11...to add...hooboy....TRIGGER

The other night I got a memory back.

I became frantically self hating.  I beat myself, cut myself, poked myself with a pin...went crazy.  Stayed up all night trying to shake the horrible feeling.
Then I started crying...and what came was what I was afraid of:

I remember his arms looped around my thighs.  I was trying to get away from him as I pushed at the top of his head and wiggled, but he kept his mouth on me...he kept licking me, and I was helpless, I could not help it I had this feeling, it was too much.
I stopped pushing against the top of his head, I could not help myself, I felt so helpless and dirty.

Yes he made me come. Gods, that's disgusting.
I write it down now and I don't want to believe it.
I want to think I made it up, I want to hope I made it up.

He wanted me to have an orgasm, even though I was trying to both get away from that mouth and not make him angry enough to hit me. He clamped onto me like a suckerfish...and kept going at me...

I was just a little kid!

GAAAAH!  I don't think I'd feel any more disgusting if someone smeared human feces all over me.

I loved him with all my heart.  He destroyed me.  I would ask why, but I don't guess why matters now, because some part of me is never going to heal.

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