Getting a second evaluation

I had a psych evaluation Tuesday.

 

They listened to the litany of childhood abuse...blah blah blah slapped around blahblahblah verbally abused blahblah raped by my uncle, by my upstairs neighbor blah blah became my dad's primary sexual outlet from 6-8 blah blah...

 

I like my current hat, I can look at the floor and I don't have to look in the eyes of real people while I tell them all this. 

 Even better, I can sit in a chair and pull my knees up to my chin, then all you can see is the hat and the knees, and I can see you, but you can't see me, which, since I don't feel entirely real anyway, is how it should be...I can be the person who isn't quite there, I'm not all there anyway.

 

And when the pain sweeps in and rips at me you can't see it.

 You can't see how much I hurt, how I'm wounded and bleeding, there are people who will smell that blood and want a taste...

 

 I don't want anyone looking at me directly anyway because I'm afraid they are going to see the disgusting part in my eyes because I know that's where it is.

 

Then the two docs- the doc and trainee doc doing the evaluation left to confer with the senior doc.  I sat there and pulled my knees up, I pulled them up and rested my forehead on one of them.  I was so tired. The light was on a motion-detector timer thingie and it went off.  I sat there in the dark looking out the door at all the sane people outside the door and I didn't quite cry, but they were all so sane and normal and cheerful and I felt so lost...

 

I feel so very lost...so lost and I don't know that I will ever find my way out of this hurt I've fallen into.