Sunday, June 12, 2011

The shit

Meets the fan.

New recall.  Typical for new recall even.


I feel filthy? check.  I wonder how much I co-operated in my own sexual use? check. I feel like a used cumrag? check.  I sit around wailing, screaming, and rocking myself? check. I have fear, pain both physical and emotional, and a feeling of stunned numbness? check.

The new images this round:

Joel, the neighborhood pedophile who raped my mouth/throat when I was four...he left the room to turn on that gawdaful loud twangy country music, and when he came back he had his pants off, with his plaid shirttails dangling... I believe he had on BVD-style underwear. oh, white, saggy socks. That's new, dirty on the bottoms.
His legs were a little chickeny...guy legs...and very hairy. Dark, black hair.  I think his thighs were at eye level.
He said "We're going to play a game." Then into blurs and blips. Some days I can remember what it felt like, like my jaw was going to get ripped off its hinge, like he was going to shove that dick of his into my brain or like I was going to vomit on him...and then darkness.
Not today, but I remember that I have remembered.  So, yeah, I re-pack things?
My throat feels swollen, but I've been yelling.  I got down on the floor, hands and knees, and just yelled, for no reason I could say.

Although while I was doing it I remembered how terrifying it was to know I could scream more...that my voice was turning into a croak...that I could scream more...and no one would hear, no one would save me.

The final image.  Oh boy.
I am in Mom and Dad's bed.
Dad's finger in me, sliding in and out no two, I think he spit on them, I think he spit on them, oh yuck, it feels ugh, my hips bucking, he's pushing on my clitoris, I think he flicked it, ohgawd feels ah DISGUSTING I am breathing hard oh I feel..."You like that, do ya, huh?"  AHGH! NONONOOO I DONT WANT OH NO I WANT AGHDDD!STOP NO (but I'm not allowed to say no I'm not I'm not AH no Daddy no! STOP PLEASE STOP!)

Uck, he made me like it, he wanted me to like it! He wanted me to have fun! Why couldn't he just rape me just use me just fuck me no he has to make me fucking enjoy it too
I was his little puppet, his toy, he owned me he made me filthy he fucked me he owned me he colonized me he's in me he owns me I still get aroused! May all the gods and demons curse him he still haunts my insides.
Flicks of me tiny and a grown hairy man black belly hair and my legs hurting, my twat hurting, this huge thing in me his face grimacing, his gasps...SLIMED this EWWW did he pee inside me I thought... me feeling...arousal...ugh disgust...ASHAMED...he came in me oh yuck.

I am sitting here aroused; and revolted at both him and myself.

I am fucking disgusting. AAAGH!

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