Saturday, January 22, 2011
The lonely androgyne
Alright, I've been neglecting this blog. Time to punch it up a bit, even if I'm talking to nobody...I'm pretty much leaving my old web hangout. Not that I blame anybody...
Here's the deal...
I'm just rather forced by the level of healthcare I can access as a poor, uninsured person-at least, I feel forced-to start DIYing my own treatment...and I'm not happy about the care I'm getting. I'm not happy they ignore verbal reports of infection symptoms. I'm not happy they haven't done a good case history, or that I have to make sure I get refills, because the docs can't be bothered to check the list.
I'm not happy about having to try weird shit to try and treat my resistant sinusitis. Like white tea and garlic in an irrigation rinse. I'm not happy about having a mistrust of my doctors' competence and caring.
Also taking a potentially dangerous supplement with my happy pills-5htp. Why, because when I pop a certain dose of it and the three other meds, I can suddenly function fully, get organized, be productive, be happy...in other words, not be depressed. Which I can't do without the 5-htp.
But if I tell the county psychiatrist I'm taking the 5-htp? He would probably d/c the other meds. I accidentally forgot 1/6th of one dose once-of one of the psych drugs...and had a rotten next day...so I need the government medicine too.
So I can't tell him something really important. I can't work with the guy. I can't get blood testing to check my serotonin levels-see if they are near to a level of concern.
I have a dishonest relationship with him, and I'm not pleased about it. But I feel forced into this by circumstance...or I could just accept being sick and crazy...and no, that's not a life worth leading.
I was on a support site, so I wanted sympathy for being in the situation I'm in...and get blasted for trying to fix myself, since the docs don't seem to be.
I wanted help with the stress, not an addition to it.
Waaah, waah, waah.
As my wife says, don't go to the internet for sympathy.
And that's another thing...we're doing couples' counseling and I'm taking DBT. We're fixing the marriage. It's good. I do intensely love that woman.
Anyway, I will start posting select photos to here, political rambles, pictures of my critters (many of whom can become YOUR critters if you can prove you're good and responsible...)
I've also been taking L-theanine-btw, a safer chemical, not known for serotonin toxicity...and I would say it's increased my ability to focus-well, not greatly, but between the depression alleviation and it, *just* enough that I can mostly keep myself on task. With the assistance of listing, prioritizing, and paper brainstorming.
Which is awesome.
I've tried picamilon-I may take some tonight-but my feeling about it is it's somewhat overpriced for the amount of anti-anxiety punch I get. L-theanine does just as well in larger doses without making me sleepy the way picamilon does. The price on theanine's a little better, and not only am I calm, but I'm focused.
And...I'm going to enroll in a motorcycle rider's training program. I'm feeling the call of the 60mpg savings, but first I want to see if I like riding and am any good at it, plus get a license to do it.
You know, before I go buy a $1800 motorcycle...which seems like a good ballpark of the minimum a reliable commuter bike's going to cost me. Oh, and I should throw in $200 for safety gear without which I shall not ride.
Gah...just irrigated with H2O2...burns like hell, but brought a lot of green crud out. And I just smelled odor...yay for smelling things. And for getting out bacteria.