Yes I love her.
But I'm using her to help me continue this pathetic, worthless existence.
When I got with her I KNEW she was lying.
She said the polyamory was ok, I knew she was lying.
She said she wanted a casual relationship, I knew she was lying.
I was really lonely. I had been in a loveless marriage for a long time.
I was in pain to the point of thinking about suicide semi-regularly.
...I'm using her to keep myself from feeling horrible. I still feel pretty bad, I still wish I had died as a child like I ought to have...Because of her I'm feeling more like staying here.
I have to come to the conclusion I'm just using her to stay alive, really.
Now I feel guilty...well, I AM guilty. I can't give her what she wants-all of me. I am not willing to walk away like I should.
I should have killed myself.