"temporary" (TW)

I've been depressed the majority of my life.  I wish my dad had killed me, instead, he just broke my will to live.   I guess he didn't want to go to jail for beating me to death, because he certainly hated my existence enough to kill me.  Even when I became broken to his use, his compliant little fuckdoll, he fucking hated me.
I want to die.

Girlfriend

We have been seeing each other for a year now.
Yes I love her.
But I'm using her to help me continue this pathetic, worthless existence.

When I got with her I KNEW she was lying.
She said the polyamory was ok, I knew she was lying.
She said she wanted a casual relationship, I knew she was lying.

I was really lonely.  I had been in a loveless marriage for a long time.
I was in pain to the point of thinking about suicide semi-regularly.
...I'm using her to keep myself from feeling horrible.  I still feel pretty bad, I still wish I had died as a child like I ought to have...Because of her I'm feeling more like staying here.
I have to come to the conclusion I'm just using her to stay alive, really.
Now I feel guilty...well,  I AM guilty.  I can't give her what she wants-all of me.  I am not willing to walk away like I should.

I should have killed myself.