Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The hole weekend(s) (crosspost)

She tells me I jump all over her at the slightest thing.

She's right.
I feel like everything's some sort of challenge, some kind of attempt to dominate me.
I don't know why.

What I do know is that because she gets overwhelmed so easily, I feel constantly rejected by her.
She can't be touched unless she's prepared for it.
She can't be talked to easily without finding it "overwhelming."

I withdraw to protect myself pretty fast these days, I will admit.
She does not get very many chances to reject me before I reject her back.
At that point it hurts and angers me to even look at her, to be conscious and around her, because I am looking at the person whom I love, whom I crave attention from, and not getting it.

So I go to sleep.
Because I can't stand being available for her rejection.
This last weekend I went to sleep on Saturday evening, when she got flustered and shouted at me for telling her I was lonely and asking when she'd be ready to pay attention to me.
I had been waiting for an hour; my chest was beginning to hurt because I wanted to talk to her so d*mn bad.
So she got...well, not angry, but upset, and flustered, and said "Now you've upset me again! I have to start all over!"
This after I made a special effort to be calm and intellectual about stating my needs clearly and wanting a time she'd be available to meet those needs.
I said to myself "F*ck it!"
And went to bed.

She came in and woke me up after I was asleep...All I can remember her saying is "I'm reaching out to you here."
And I said "It's too late, I've already decided you don't get to reject me anymore today, I want you to leave me alone."

I pretty much did not stay out of bed for more that a couple of hours at a stretch until 2 pm Monday afternoon, when I had to get up and get ready for work.

I've had a month of weekends like this.

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