Tiredness, the weightloss thing, and big triggery stuff @ the end.

One wonderful thing for you:

My Egyptian friend told me that his uncle in Cairo got a call from Tunisia yesterday.

The Tunisian congratulated my friend's uncle on Mubarak's departure.

My friend's uncle said something like, "Um, why, thank you, but I don't know you."

The Tunisian replied "Oh, no, I just wanted to congratulate an Egyptian, so I called a number randomly and got you."

(GO EGYPT! ) (RA! RA! RA! ;) )
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The rest of the post isn't fun or funny-in fact it's a very solemn one...keep checking back for the more upbeat ones... I imagine they will come along presently.


This tiredness worries me...Does it mean the sinus infection's returning? or just the result of a typical sleep-deprived week?

 I'm getting a bit more green stuff out.  And saving it in a jar for the county ENT doctors who think I'm making shit up.
I find this ridiculous, demeaning, makes me feel less valuable as a human being and it screws with my sense of reality.
My palate is itching...but of course they won't believe me when I tell them that.

Since they have two hospitals, both with ENT departments, I'm going to call on Monday and see what I have to do to get into the other ENT department.  Maybe the other ENT's will actually believe me when I report symptoms.
----

Over the week I managed to snag four-count'em, four good pallets.   Four pallets equals two planting beds.  What I'm doing is cut a little bit out of the center of the pallets, then pick which one has the more busted up or rotted bottom, and remove those boards.  After that, I nail them together at the top corners-it's a pretty straightforward procedure when you take the back off..  Then they get lined, first with cardboard, then with mulch. The cardboard will not only help retain moisture around the sides, I think...it's definitely going to kill the grass.

I'm too tired to do this today...I really am.  Tonight's a down night also.

Oh...I should explain my wacky ways of eating, and how that came about:

You see, I am now weighing about 152-157 at 5'9".

About a year and a half ago I weighed 275.

Before that I'd eaten my way up to 320 in high school...managed to diet down to 270...got stuck there until I went "pretty-much" vegan, dropped to 190 mainly through exercise, but a little through diet, shacked up with the wife, let myself go, back to 220, then got sick and ballooned due to stress and repeat courses of prednisone.

When I hit 275, my allergist(then about as frustrated as I was at my case) asked if I would consider stomach stapling. Said it would dramatically improve my condition.

I want my life back.  Badly.  So began a year-and a half diet-a-thon.

Well...when I got to 220, I got stuck.  I was eating 1200 calories a day, was ravenous, and stuck hard.

Enter the Johnson Up Day Down Day Diet.

I started doing it.  Actually, being the perfectionist I am, I started doing an even tighter restriction than called for, but pretty much the Johnson diet.

The weight melted off me so fast that my coworkers expressed concern.
This was full of unfun...when I first started down days going up stairs made me dizzy.  Working out made my heart pound.

Now I don't seem to really even get that hungry on down days.

BUT
I want to weigh 140.
Why?
155 is too close to 164-the threshold for me being overweight.  Having yoyoed all over the place, my body can store it like nobody's business. 155 is close enough that one good case of the fuckits can propel me into the overweight range.

That's not cool.   I want to be firmly of normal weight, because I want to guarantee I will never be obese again.

Half of the reason I wanted to kill myself in high school was my binge eating disorder...
---------

And that brings me to the last thing:

It occurred to me last night that the entirety of my adult life...I never anticipated happening.  Which hasn't helped matters as far as doing things in a planned, coherent fashion.


(BTW...You want to click away now if you're easily upset or triggered...Don't blame me if you flip out, you've been warned.)







By ninth grade I hated myself for failure to kill myself. I didn't work in high school or take college prep classes-because I was just doing things to make the parents not yell at me and-or hit me until I worked up the nerve to kill myself.  I self-denigrated every day in an active attempt to make myself do it, convince myself to slice my wrists open.
I so wanted to die that I regularly called myself a coward and beat myself up for failure to have the courage to wipe the stain that was me from the earth.

This was all before I decanted my sexual abuse memories.   This is where the shame and the self-loathing came from...but I didn't know that then.

Some of the sexual abuse was forced on me-the oral rape at four by the neighbor and the vaginal rape by my uncle when I was six.

My Dad, though, I don't believe he had to force me, or keep doing so...because being alone with my nightmares-the terror-was worse than the physical pain of his adult penis in me combined with the comfort of being touched, of not being alone, abandoned.

And there was arousal as well. Not that I wanted that arousal, was ready for it, knew what it was.
I think I may have thought I was dying, because I always thought my father could kill me-that's what I thought when he hit me.
His physical abuse was never extreme-certainly never bad enough to leave a mark.
I'd categorize his physical abusiveness as usually mild occasionally escalating to moderate...but I was afraid he'd kill me nonetheless when he went off.
His verbal abusiveness actually probably did me as much damage-perfectionism is a 50-pound millstone around my neck, and it comes from both parents.
Anyway...
I needed something from him...well, he decided he needed something from me in return. So I paid that price at age six, seven and eight.  The memories are still very blurry, but I think several times a week he chose to have sex with me.  I remember waking up in my parents' bedroom and having no idea how I got in there the night before repeatedly, so I was dissociating a lot.
------
Nowadays, we've come to an understanding.  He doesn't get around me, I don't try to kill him.

Because if I see him, a cloud of red, red rage just descends over my eyes.  I cannot see straight.  I cannot think straight.  All I see is someone who took advantage of my desperation, who was entrusted with my care, and who damaged me for life because he felt like it.

There is no one else in this world I can say I truly hate with the profound depth that I hate this man who is half my genetic makeup.

Yes, he was raped as a child.  I don't care. He's still responsible for his actions.

Yet at the same time part of me wishes...that he'd try to make amends for what he did.   There's a part of me that aches for a real father.

But he's not a real father, he's a 60-something adolescent who can't apologize for the damage he's done to everyone in his life-and I think I'm the prizewinner of that contest.
I couldn't  have a decent relationship with him even if I could get past my own fury.

I don't know how I'm going to feel when he dies. Probably both sad and relieved.

where honesty got me

I made the mistake of telling the doctor what all I'm irrigating my nose with, and my antibiotics.  He told me that to continue to receive treatment I had to comply with their treatment plan.

 

The thing is, their treatment plan seemed to be letting me get sick as hell again and then very gently poking at my infection with a light, refreshing application of topical antibiotics...the thing is, of course, that when the infection's raging my sinuses get swollen enough that I can't get them to drain. 

 If stuff can't get out when I stick a dental irrigator up there-essentially pressure-washing my sinuses...how on earth do they think the topical antibiotics are going to get in???

 

Basically, whenever I report symptoms, if they can't see what I'm talking about when they're scoping my nose...they completely discount it.

So I have to present with flagrant symptoms in order to get treatment. This also implies that they will discontinue treatment before I'm actually completely clear of infection.

 The fact that what I'm doing has reduced the discolored crusty stuff by about 90%-well, they again do not believe me because they don't see the crusting.

 Because I can't stand to have that stuff in my nose...I irrigate it out.

 

At this point the county ENT people definitely think I'm a hypochondriac.  I heard the word "psych" when they were discussing me.  This is why I need to take my wife with me from now on when I go.

 

The thing is, I don't want to be made *just well enough* that they can't see infection when they shove a 'scope up my nose. Because they cannot see the sphenoid sinus, they cannot see the frontal sinus...and that's where any remaining yellow crud/green crud/brown crud seems to be coming from.

I really should have brought them some more discolored snot in a jar. Next time I absolutely will.

 

I want to have no infection present...meaning I see no discharge that's green, or yellow,or whatever other interesting color my nose can make, when I irrigate.

White or clear postnasal discharge is the color it's supposed to be, right?

 

I think I am going to have to go pay to talk to my ex-allergist about my treatment, because...these people are not listening to me.  Not at all.

I want a second opinion and I'm likely going to have to pay about $200-300 for it.

 

So much for communication.  I'm furious and tearing up at the same time just thinking about this.

 

I have three choices: quit going entirely-meaning my condition has no monitoring at all, comply with them and get sicker, or lie.

If I quit going entirely, I'm wasting a probably-needed, useful resource.  If I comply with them-I get sick again. 

 

I've already seen that to be the case...and found that when I presented with flagrant symptoms, they still didn't give me oral steroids or antibiotics. 

Which is the freaking gold standard from what I can tell from ENT doctor's sites about this.

 

Lying seems to be the most advantageous thing to do in this bag of dicks.

 

I am going to have to find a way to afford my old allergy doc's advice. 

I really need him...to at least x-ray my head and tell me when I can stop taking antibiotics, and possibly to tell me if I'm being insane or not.

What I put in my coffee this morning

Coffee, if I drink it everyday, will make me pee myself. Urinary tract irritant. Therefore it has to remain an occasional treat.

Today I am at the top end of a Prednisone taper.  This causes irritability from hell along with actual agitation and cognitive focus problems.

That, and the Prednisone and the antibiotics are knocking back the sinusitis.  This means that the antidepressant combo I was using-Sertraline 200 mg, Buspirone 60 mg, and unbeknownst to my doctor: 5htp 200 mg...well, I strongly suspect that's too much, now that the sinusitis is getting better.

The unbeknownst to my doctor part is due to the wonders of county healthcare-I strongly suspect honesty will get me cut off, and I need the gub'mint pills, too.   OTOH, until I added the 5htp, I WAS STILL SUICIDAL.

I go to three different clinics there, at the county: pulmonary, ENT, and psych. The county system doesn't have guidelines, they have rules, and you will fit within the rules(heil!) Or else. Period. No exceptions. Doctors don't get wiggle room, neither do their patients.

So if I told the psychiatrist what I was doing, and he continued to treat me with the SSRI/SNRI combo, he'd be legally liable.  Keep my mouth shut and it's all on me.
I just love the hell out of being forced to be dishonest, oh yeah.

Anyway, regarding why I believe my depression to be worsened by the sinusitis...

I need to put up some evidence to back up why I think this to be so...but there will be Science.  And linky goodness.  Inflammatory reactions in the body actually effect brain chemistry such that depression is a likely outcome.

ANYWAY:
What I put in the coffee:
-100 mg l-theanine
-30 drops Kava root extract
-approx. 1/8th tsp picamilon (Gaba/b3 combo that *can* cross the brain/blood barrier, sold as a prescription in Europe, otc here.)
-50 mg 5htp
I also took 200 mg of the l-theanine....and I'm going to wait until my wife leaves for work to take the pred, as I can expect to get cranky afterwards.

With the picamilon, I've noticed I'm more lovey and warm, but, as with any of the the supplements I take besides 5htp, the effects are mild/moderate. My anxiety is easier to control than my agitation and anger, it seems.

Chronic Sinusitis+no Insurance=trainwreck: my sinusitis history

I posted this at The Experience Project...it's my sinus story.   Feel free to repost so long as you copy and repost in entirety


Chronic Sinusitis+no Insurance=trainwreck  Posted January 25th, 2011 at 8:56PM

Once upon a time (2002) I was a happy little person. I was a glowing picture of health, except for occasionally still having a touch of my childhood asthma. I commuted miles and miles by bicycle in the scorching heat. I moved in with my soon to be wife, whom I was swooning over. I was 30 and I felt licensed to not care what anybody thought of me. I made(bad) paintings and (okay to good) poetry. I had friends and was very happy.

Then I had a postnasal drip. Drip, Drip Drip. Benadryl wouldn't stop that drip. Then the drip turned into a cough. Then the cough turned into a wheeze. Then the wheeze turned into gasping for air while coughing up green chunks. Well, time for the doctor, right? But I had no insurance. SO I paid, and I paid. And when close to every last cent of my money was spent, I moved in with my mom(along with the fiancee) so I could afford "lung rent". Which was half my paycheck... And earning that check was fun.

I had to eat caffeine pills like they were candy to overcome the fatigue, and sometimes was breathing so poorly I could barely walk. The asthma eventually responded, but the fatigue and "allergies" remained horrible.

So I went to get allergy shots. When I went to get them they tested my asthma on a very expensive pulmonary dingus, and found out my lungs were still horrible, so I got some more meds for my lungs.  That was swell.  I probably was minus about a third my lung capacity.

In order to get allergy shots, you have to get a rast test-which is like being attacked by a very organized bunch of fire ants. Everyone at the clinic was very impressed by how much my dots connected and swelled around my arms. So I did allergy shots for awhile, and worked, and went to school, and ate caffeine pills because I was still tired all the time.

I thought I was depressed. Okay, I WAS depressed. But I thought the tired was from the depression. So I kept trying new happy pills and wondered why I was still so tired.
Then my ear became infected, such that the eardrum burst out. Finally, I paid for the hundred or so it took to x-ray my head. And....spectacular sinusitis! This was in 2008, so I'd been living with an infection in my head for 6 years.  This neatly explained why my allergies and asthma had gone from a minor annoyance to a whump!splat! experience...and those funky low-grade fevers I kept running.

My doctor gave me antibiotics.  Then some more.  Then some different ones.  Then some really strong ones backed with Prednisone.  He suggested stomach stapling out of frustration, since he believed my weight was part of the problem (and right).  I'm glad he said that-it shook me up so that I didn't need the surgery to lose 120 pounds...just a yearlong miserable slog. Wanting a life back is really motivating.

But as for the sinus disease-it wasn't going away sans surgery. So my wife and I paid all the money we had to a doctor in Mexico who said he was going to "fix me up."  What he did he did well, but he only did about 30% of the needed operation, so the symptoms returned within six weeks.

So I went to the county health system, which is pretty incompetent.  I have gotten surgery, but the infection is still there.  The intern doctors seem to be afraid to treat aggressively post surgery, and my symptoms are back four weeks on.
So I'm taking matters into my own hands.
I am taking illegally-purchased Prednisone from New Zealand and some American antibiotics packaged for fish-but at the same dosage and quality as for humans.  I am not happy about that.  I have begged three interns in succession for antibiotics that haven't been used before.
This one did give me antibiotics, to be fair-irrigation antibiotics, when my sinuses were probably too swollen for the antibiotics to penetrate-he couldn't 'scope them.
Besides that, irrigation antibiotics alone haven't been shown to be terribly effective in NIH research, yet the county people seem to be awfully keen on them.
The intern did give me irrigation steroids, but those are only so effective at controlling the inflammation. He gave me no systemic steroids.  I gave me systemic steroids, and Bactrim, although I do remember Bactrim being used before-but only once, and it was one of the ones that really worked.  Yes, I know to watch for a rash, and go to the ER and confess, med bottle in hand, if I have to.

I started winging it last night.  Today I have a sense of smell.  I now do dropper irrigation and have a volume increase in my sinuses by (guessing) roughly a fourth between last night and this morning.  I am taking notes so that if there's a crisis and I'm not able to answer questions it's in writing.  My phone is on an charged, my wife on alert.
I still don't like this at all.

BTW,
People have asked me if I'm arrogant enough to think I know better than my doctors-overall, the answer is no.  My particular condition? OH YES. Doctors, just because you have the medical knowledge to place your patient's answers in a framework, and to know how to combat the condition effectively-maybe; this doesn't mean you know their condition the way they do.  For crying out loud, take what the patient says seriously! Playing detective is what you need to do-you are interviewing the eyewitness, not imparting wisdom from on high like a Babylonian deity from the hills!
And I've been treated for this since 2008, so maybe I've picked up an idea of what's wrong and what *might* work, alright?
Work with me and don't make me go behind your back like this!    I don't want to!

Anyway-
I'm doing inverted dropper irrigations with antibiotics/steroids now  as well as continuing twice-daily irrigation with a water-pik, been doing that for a while. Salt/baking soda irrigation is great. I get a lot of green stuff out this way.  Now I am putting xylitol in it, because xylitol has been used to treat resistant wounds, and because it's a pretty innocuous substance.  I'm hoping this will help make the bacteria more susceptible by breaking up the biofilms in my nose.

If you have sinusitis, look up information on biofilms-preferably a layperson's guide to what they are, and Allergic Fungal Sinusitis(AFS), particularly the Mayo Clinic's work on same.  I feel I have a better grasp on the causes and what might help my condition through reading up on those topics.  Also, you must do saline irrigation, because chronic sinusitis means that your cilia can't clean your nose right.  You have to help them through irrigation, hydration, and occasional expectorants.  Also hot peppers and horseradish/wasabi if you can tolerate it. Furthermore, hot white tea is good for fighting inflammation AND all hot beverages stimulate cilia to move the mucus faster.  Fennel and horehound help thin mucus, but of the two, fennel's tastier.

If you think you have a sinus infection-for the sake of whatever deity you believe in-go to a ENT immediately!  it does not take too long before permanent damage sets in.

The lonely androgyne

Alright, I've been neglecting this blog. Time to punch it up a bit, even if I'm talking to nobody...I'm pretty much leaving my old web hangout.  Not that I blame anybody...

Here's the deal...

I'm just rather forced by the level of healthcare I can access as a poor, uninsured person-at least, I feel forced-to start DIYing my own treatment...and I'm not happy about the care I'm getting. I'm not happy they ignore verbal reports of infection symptoms. I'm not happy they haven't done a good case history, or that I have to make sure I get refills, because the docs can't be bothered to check the list.

 I'm not happy about having to try weird shit to try and treat my resistant sinusitis. Like white tea and garlic in an irrigation rinse.  I'm not happy about having a mistrust of my doctors' competence and caring.

 

Also taking a potentially dangerous supplement with my happy pills-5htp.  Why, because when I pop a certain dose of it and the three other meds, I can suddenly function fully, get organized, be productive, be happy...in other words, not be depressed. Which I can't do without the 5-htp.

But if I tell the county psychiatrist I'm taking the 5-htp? He would probably d/c the other meds.  I accidentally forgot 1/6th of one dose once-of one of the psych drugs...and had a rotten next day...so I need the government medicine too.

So I can't tell him something really important.  I can't work with the guy.  I can't get blood testing to check my serotonin levels-see if they are near to a level of concern. 

I have a dishonest relationship with him, and I'm not pleased about it. But I feel forced into this by circumstance...or I could just accept being sick and crazy...and no, that's not a life worth leading.

 

I was on a support site, so I wanted sympathy for being in the situation I'm in...and get blasted for trying to fix myself, since the docs don't seem to be.

I wanted help with the stress, not an addition to it.

 

Waaah, waah, waah.

As my wife says, don't go to the internet for sympathy.

 

And that's another thing...we're doing couples' counseling and I'm taking DBT.  We're fixing the marriage.  It's good.  I do intensely love that woman.

 

Anyway, I will start posting select photos to here, political rambles, pictures of my critters (many of whom can become YOUR critters if you can prove you're good and responsible...)

 

I've also been taking L-theanine-btw, a safer chemical, not known for serotonin toxicity...and I would say it's increased my ability to focus-well, not greatly, but between the depression alleviation and it, *just* enough that I can mostly keep myself on task. With the assistance of listing, prioritizing, and paper brainstorming.

Which is awesome.

 

I've tried picamilon-I may take some tonight-but my feeling about it is it's somewhat overpriced for the amount of anti-anxiety punch I get.  L-theanine does just as well in larger doses without making me sleepy the way picamilon does.  The price on theanine's a little better, and not only am I calm, but I'm focused.

 

And...I'm going to enroll in a motorcycle rider's training program.  I'm feeling the call of the 60mpg savings, but first I want to see if I like riding and am any good at it, plus get a license to do it.

 

  You know, before I go buy a $1800 motorcycle...which seems like a good ballpark of the minimum a reliable commuter bike's going to cost me. Oh, and I should throw in $200 for safety gear without which I shall not ride.

 

Gah...just irrigated with H2O2...burns like hell, but brought a lot of green crud out.  And I just smelled odor...yay for smelling things. And for getting out bacteria.